Obama Challenges Russian President to a Constitution-Eating Contest

Washington, D.C.--President Obama challenged Russian President Dmitry Medvedev to a constitution-eating contest at Obama's favorite local burger joint.

The two personal embodiments of all-consuming government wolfed down huge chunks of their respective country's governing documents, with Obama starting first with the Constitution's limits to federal taxing authority before tackling the meatier provisions dealing with limits on congressional authority under the Commerce Clause.

Attorney General Eric Holder and other Justice Department employees cheered "Eat, eat, eat, eat!" while the two presidential leviathans gulped ravenously.

In the end, Obama was declared the winner.

"The U.S. Constitution's made of much older and brittler parchment," said one Obama official. "That made it easier to crumple, but at the same time more difficult to swallow. But the president's experience eating his own words made all the difference in the end."