Obama to Deliver Major Speech on White Guilt

Columbus, Ohio--President Obama, now facing significant congressional opposition for the first time following Republican gains in the House of Representatives, is planning what aides are calling a "major speech" on white guilt.

"The President is going to remind many of his critics that they are white, and that lots of them voted for the President because he's black," said a White House spokesperson. "It's too easy to forget that in the midst of substantive discussions regarding fundamental policy decisions."

Obama to Deliver Major Speech on White Guilt

Columbus, Ohio--President Obama, now facing significant congressional opposition for the first time following Republican gains in the House of Representatives, is planning what aides are calling a "major speech" on white guilt.

"The President is going to remind many of his critics that they are white, and that lots of them voted for the President because he's black," said a White House spokesperson. "It's too easy to forget that in the midst of substantive discussions regarding fundamental policy decisions."

No Labels Groups Unveils New Clothing Label

Washington, D.C.--The group "No Labels" -- led by a group of former politicians who lost reelection and a host of largely uninfluential political commentators -- unveiled a new clothing line to garner attention for its mission of removing intellectual consistency from political discourse.

"By hyping the often trivial common ground between those who believe government must enforce its vision of justice and those who believe personal fulfillment is best achieved through individual responsibility and the voluntary interaction of free people," said a No Labels spokesperson, "we hope to foster a self-righteous sense of civility designed to suppress exposure of the contradictions that inevitably underlie attempts to compromise on fundamental issues."

Founded on the principle that "defending principle is indefensible," the No Labels clothing line aims at making "totally vapid totally cool."

Associated article: Slate

No Labels Groups Unveils New Clothing Label

Washington, D.C.--The group "No Labels" -- led by a group of former politicians who lost reelection and a host of largely uninfluential political commentators -- unveiled a new clothing line to garner attention for its mission of removing intellectual consistency from political discourse.

"By hyping the often trivial common ground between those who believe government must enforce its vision of justice and those who believe personal fulfillment is best achieved through individual responsibility and the voluntary interaction of free people," said a No Labels spokesperson, "we hope to foster a self-righteous sense of civility designed to suppress exposure of the contradictions that inevitably underlie attempts to compromise on fundamental issues."

Founded on the principle that "defending principle is indefensible," the No Labels clothing line aims at making "totally vapid totally cool."

Associated article: Slate

Judge Orders Christmas Depictions of Jesus Replaced with Doc Holliday

Lubberville, Oregon--A federal judge in Oregon has ordered a local town to replace its Christmas depictions of Jesus Christ with the "less offensive" image of legendary bar owner, gambler, and gunslinger Doc Holliday.

Although title 5, Section 6103 of the United States Code specifically declares "Christmas" a "legal public" day of celebration, Judge Lewis Tunnick held that celebrating a "Holliday" rather than Christmas' namesake was "more appropriate" in that it singled out for recognition "a popular secular lawman" instead of a "religious figure."

Judge Orders Christmas Depictions of Jesus Replaced with Doc Holliday

Lubberville, Oregon--A federal judge in Oregon has ordered a local town to replace its Christmas depictions of Jesus Christ with the "less offensive" image of legendary bar owner, gambler, and gunslinger Doc Holliday.

Although title 5, Section 6103 of the United States Code specifically declares "Christmas" a "legal public" day of celebration, Judge Lewis Tunnick held that celebrating a "Holliday" rather than Christmas' namesake was "more appropriate" in that it singled out for recognition "a popular secular lawman" instead of a "religious figure."