Government Prepares Giant Detention Rooms as President Obams Sends Detention Notes to Millions of Inattentive Americans

Guantanamo Bay, Cuba--As President Obama's approval ratings have sunk in the polls, the nation's schoolmarm-in-chief has ordered that millions of detention notes be sent to inattentive Americans "who just aren't getting what I'm saying."

A White House spokesman confirmed that existing detention centers were being retrofitted with brightly colored school desks for detention sessions that should last "an hour or so" as necessary.

President Obama, clearly frustrated by the majority of Americans' failure to appreciate his intellectual brilliance, "just wants Americans to do some thinking about how they can help President Obama help them."

Government Prepares Giant Detention Rooms as President Obams Sends Detention Notes to Millions of Inattentive Americans

Guantanamo Bay, Cuba--As President Obama's approval ratings have sunk in the polls, the nation's schoolmarm-in-chief has ordered that millions of detention notes be sent to inattentive Americans "who just aren't getting what I'm saying."

A White House spokesman confirmed that existing detention centers were being retrofitted with brightly colored school desks for detention sessions that should last "an hour or so" as necessary.

President Obama, clearly frustrated by the majority of Americans' failure to appreciate his intellectual brilliance, "just wants Americans to do some thinking about how they can help President Obama help them."

Democratic Member Surprised at Low Turnout at Town Hall Meeting Held at Local Dump

Littletown, Pennsylvania--At a time when voters are expressing disappointment with their elected representatives as never before, Democratic Congressman Larry Shortview expressed surprise that no one attended his town hall meeting, held recently in the middle of the Littletown landfill.

"I was so looking forward to justifying my votes for government-run health care and a $1.5 trillion deficit," said Shortview from behind a festering pile of rotting vegetable rinds, "but apparently my constituents trust my judgment on those issue."

The one constituent in attendance, an employee of the local dump, said "I saw this guy in a suit gesturing in the air, but I couldn't tell it was the Congressman through the gas mask he was wearing."

Shortview said he hopes to see greater attendance by his constituents at his next town hall meeting, which will be held next Friday morning at 4:00 am in the freezer room of a local butcher shop.

Associated article: New York Times

Democratic Member Surprised at Low Turnout at Town Hall Meeting Held at Local Dump

Littletown, Pennsylvania--At a time when voters are expressing disappointment with their elected representatives as never before, Democratic Congressman Larry Shortview expressed surprise that no one attended his town hall meeting, held recently in the middle of the Littletown landfill.

"I was so looking forward to justifying my votes for government-run health care and a $1.5 trillion deficit," said Shortview from behind a festering pile of rotting vegetable rinds, "but apparently my constituents trust my judgment on those issue."

The one constituent in attendance, an employee of the local dump, said "I saw this guy in a suit gesturing in the air, but I couldn't tell it was the Congressman through the gas mask he was wearing."

Shortview said he hopes to see greater attendance by his constituents at his next town hall meeting, which will be held next Friday morning at 4:00 am in the freezer room of a local butcher shop.

Associated article: New York Times

Obama Sign Language

Obama Sign Language

Obama to Focus on Gulf Spill After Oil Begins Washing Up on Sand Traps

Associated article: Daily Caller

Obama to Focus on Gulf Spill After Oil Begins Washing Up on Sand Traps

Associated article: Daily Caller

Obama Interrupts Televised Lecture, Says He Won't Resume Until Everyone Puts Their Laptops Away

Associated article: CNN

Obama Interrupts Televised Lecture, Says He Won't Resume Until Everyone Puts Their Laptops Away

Associated article: CNN

Harvard Grants Random Normal Guy an Honorary Degree in Pretentious Douchebaggery

Cambridge, Massachusetts--For the first time in its long history, Harvard University deigned to grant a normal guy an honorary degree in pretentious douchebaggery.

Plant worker Ed Long appeared to accept the honor reluctantly, saying "I really don't want to be here."

Ed was introdcued by the President of Harvard College, who said "Ed Long is a hard-working common sense-type of man who made it on his own and does his best to provide for his family amidst a grueling maze of taxes and regulations, much of which was designed by our illustrious institution's fine graduates. Even so, Harvard bestows upon this vulgar specimen an honorary degree in pretentious douchebaggery as a testament to this hallowed university's dedication to patronizing the non-elite."

Associated article: Washington Post

Harvard Grants Random Normal Guy an Honorary Degree in Pretentious Douchebaggery

Cambridge, Massachusetts--For the first time in its long history, Harvard University deigned to grant a normal guy an honorary degree in pretentious douchebaggery.

Plant worker Ed Long appeared to accept the honor reluctantly, saying "I really don't want to be here."

Ed was introdcued by the President of Harvard College, who said "Ed Long is a hard-working common sense-type of man who made it on his own and does his best to provide for his family amidst a grueling maze of taxes and regulations, much of which was designed by our illustrious institution's fine graduates. Even so, Harvard bestows upon this vulgar specimen an honorary degree in pretentious douchebaggery as a testament to this hallowed university's dedication to patronizing the non-elite."

Associated article: Washington Post