Obama Declines to Reveal Plot of His Presidency at News Conference

Washington, D.C.--President Obama declined to answer most of the questions reporters asked him at his most recent press conference, saying "I owe it to my adoring fans not to reveal future plot details" about his presidency.

When asked how he might explain the dismal state of the economy following the biggest government spending spree in history, Obama said "I can't answer that because, you know, I can't reveal any spoilers."

When pressed, Obama said "This production is the result of many talented writers, and if you don't like the current plot twists, just wait until next year."

Administration officials said Obama has a "very loyal following" and that "it would be a disservice to the viewers to ruin any surprises."

Obama Declines to Reveal Plot of His Presidency at News Conference

Washington, D.C.--President Obama declined to answer most of the questions reporters asked him at his most recent press conference, saying "I owe it to my adoring fans not to reveal future plot details" about his presidency.

When asked how he might explain the dismal state of the economy following the biggest government spending spree in history, Obama said "I can't answer that because, you know, I can't reveal any spoilers."

When pressed, Obama said "This production is the result of many talented writers, and if you don't like the current plot twists, just wait until next year."

Administration officials said Obama has a "very loyal following" and that "it would be a disservice to the viewers to ruin any surprises."

White House Increases Accessibility to Press with New Stock Answer Vending Machines

Washington, D.C.--In response to complaints by the national media that the White House's day-to-day interaction with the press has become almost nonexistent, that President Obama hasn't held a news conference for 10 months and speaks to the press far less often than George W. Bush did, that the New York Times is favored while reporters who write critical articles are frozen out, and that fewer agency officials speak to the press, administration press secretary Robert Gibbs announced that several new vending machines will be placed around the White House grounds to increase access by the media.

"We're going to stock these machine with our most common stock answers," said Gibbs, "and those answers will appear in plain view." He also reiterated that "This is the most transparent administration in history."

Associated article: Politico

White House Increases Accessibility to Press with New Stock Answer Vending Machines

Washington, D.C.--In response to complaints by the national media that the White House's day-to-day interaction with the press has become almost nonexistent, that President Obama hasn't held a news conference for 10 months and speaks to the press far less often than George W. Bush did, that the New York Times is favored while reporters who write critical articles are frozen out, and that fewer agency officials speak to the press, administration press secretary Robert Gibbs announced that several new vending machines will be placed around the White House grounds to increase access by the media.

"We're going to stock these machine with our most common stock answers," said Gibbs, "and those answers will appear in plain view." He also reiterated that "This is the most transparent administration in history."

Associated article: Politico

The Wizard of Obama

The Wizard of Obama

Obamaman Issue 1

Associated article: Associated Press

Obamaman Issue 1

Associated article: Associated Press

Floor of U.S. House of Representatives Redesigned for Wagers on Legislation Not in Final Form

Washington, D.C.--Following a vote on a global warming bill that included a 300-page amendment the leadership of the U.S. House of Representatives could not produce in final form before votes were cast, the floor of the House has been redesigned to accommodate wagers on legislation not available in final form.

The screen that formerly showed the legislation under consideration has been replaced with a board displaying Las Vegas odds reflecting the chance various provisions are in the bill Members are voting on.

“It’s a crap shoot,” said one Member. “And I mean crap.”

Under the new rules, amendments are “flopped” face down and only revealed after final votes are cast.

“It’s tough,” said one member of the minority party. “Speaker Pelosi has a plastic surgeon give her a different poker face before each hand’s dealt.”

Members have already begun giving names to sections of bills they’re backing. “I’m rooting for Exemption Express," said one Congressman clutching his voting card as the final minutes of the vote counted down. “The odds are 2-1 he’s in the final product.”

The new system has led to some confusion, as when one Member yelled “Bingo!” during floor debate.

But rules of thumb are gradually taking hold. “Since we can’t vote on the text of the legislation,” said one Representative, “some of us are only voting for bills that have lucky House Resolution numbers.”

Associated articles: http://washingtontimes.com/news/2009/jul/06/passing-unread-laws/; http://www.cnsnews.com/public/content/article.aspx?RsrcID=50677; associated video: http://hotair.com/archives/2009/07/27/video-conyers-scoffs-at-doing-his-job/

Floor of U.S. House of Representatives Redesigned for Wagers on Legislation Not in Final Form

Washington, D.C.--Following a vote on a global warming bill that included a 300-page amendment the leadership of the U.S. House of Representatives could not produce in final form before votes were cast, the floor of the House has been redesigned to accommodate wagers on legislation not available in final form.

The screen that formerly showed the legislation under consideration has been replaced with a board displaying Las Vegas odds reflecting the chance various provisions are in the bill Members are voting on.

“It’s a crap shoot,” said one Member. “And I mean crap.”

Under the new rules, amendments are “flopped” face down and only revealed after final votes are cast.

“It’s tough,” said one member of the minority party. “Speaker Pelosi has a plastic surgeon give her a different poker face before each hand’s dealt.”

Members have already begun giving names to sections of bills they’re backing. “I’m rooting for Exemption Express," said one Congressman clutching his voting card as the final minutes of the vote counted down. “The odds are 2-1 he’s in the final product.”

The new system has led to some confusion, as when one Member yelled “Bingo!” during floor debate.

But rules of thumb are gradually taking hold. “Since we can’t vote on the text of the legislation,” said one Representative, “some of us are only voting for bills that have lucky House Resolution numbers.”

Associated articles: http://washingtontimes.com/news/2009/jul/06/passing-unread-laws/; http://www.cnsnews.com/public/content/article.aspx?RsrcID=50677; associated video: http://hotair.com/archives/2009/07/27/video-conyers-scoffs-at-doing-his-job/