Democrats Claim Congress Has Authority to Make Everyone Buy Snuggies and Jupiter Jacks

Washington, D.C.--After Congress, for the first time in U.S. history, passed a law that requires everyone to purchase a particular product -- in this case health insurance -- over a dozen states have filed lawsuits arguing the legislation violates the Commerce Clause of the Constitution which grants Congress only the limited power to regulate activities that effect interstate transactions.

"If a decision not to buy a product, and to refrain from trade, production, or commerce, can be considered an economic activity Congress can regulate," said one state attorney general, "then Congress will be able to regulate absolutely everything, and the enumerated powers in Article I limiting federal authority and creating a system of federalism will have been read out of the Constitution."

In response, Democrats threatened to pass a law requiring everyone to buy Snuggies and Jupiter Jacks.

"I suggest that the American people, and the courts, respect our authority to make people buy things simply because people exist," said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. "If they don't, we can always begin considering federal legislation that furthers a national policy of hands-free driving and energy conservation through the mandatory use of static-ridden wireless speaker systems and cumbersome wearable blankets."

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