Government Hires Somali Pirates to Distribute Federal Funds to Illegal Immigrants Counted by Census

Washington, D.C.--Because the Census Bureau will not ask those surveyed whether or not they are in the country legally, billions of federal taxpayer dollars will go to illegal aliens under funding formulas that distribute taxpayer money to government programs based on each state's population.

As a result, the government announced yesterday that it will partner with Somali pirates to distribute the federal funding to states with large numbers of illegal immigrants.

"If we're going to be plundering from states with low illegal populations and giving that money to states with high illegal populations," said one government official, "we might as well rely on the experts."

Sources added that since the Census Bureau cut all ties with ACORN, "We had an open slot for another pirate organization."

Associated article: Washington Examiner; Shreveport Times