Washington, D.C.--After ten months of what critics called "dithering" on the war in Afghanistan, President Obama finally announced last night that he had determined "a path to victory" in the region lies through wormholes leading to an infinite number of alternate universes.Administration sources said the cerebral President had become concerned that sustaining his endless ruminations over the contingencies posed by the pressing war in Afghanistan might become increasingly difficult, so he asked his political advisers to recommend additional contemplation plans.
"At that point," said a White House spokesperson, "it became clear that a wormhole strategy would open up unlimited additional possibilities for pondering."
"Unlike my predecessor, who too often made decisive military decisions," said Obama, "I want to fully exhaust my navel resources before making a commitment. That's why I'm so excited by the opportunities offered by a passage in spacetime that connects alternate Afghanistan histories, each holding limitless alternatives for me to consider."
Administration officials cautioned there remained "some uncertainties" with Obama's plan -- including the risks of massive gravitational tidal forces and incineration by radiation emitted near a singularity -- but they emphasized "the President has now set forth some clear goals to aim for."
Associated article: Associated Press
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