Twenty-Story, Bird-Grinding Death Machine Ultra-Doom Avoids Justice Department Prosecution

Washington, D.C.—While acknowledging that a twenty-story, bird-grinding death machine called Ultra-Doom kills over 200,000 federally-protected birds a year, the Justice Department declined to prosecute the giant-blade wielding robot on the grounds that “He operates on wind power.”

Although ExxonMobil was prosecuted in federal court for killing 85 federally-protected migratory birds that came into contact with crude oil and other pollutants on its properties -- and other energy companies have faced hundreds of similar prosecutions -- the Justice Department has yet to bring a single case against wind-power companies or wind-driven robots like Ultra-Doom, even though experts estimate such entities kill hundreds of thousands of birds protected by the Migratory Bird Treaty Act.

A Justice Department spokesperson defended its policy, saying “Okay, so Ultra-Doom has a gigantic array of rotating blades that cause thousands of migratory fowl to explode into bloody clouds of feather and bone. But hey, he’s environmentally friendly.”

Associated articles: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203706604574376543308399048.html; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/10/21/AR2009102101282.html; Daily Mail; Post-Gazette; Washington Post 1