Early American Custody Agreement Puts Paternity of Founding Fathers in Doubt

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania--A legal petition dated just after the ratification of the Constitution -- and signed by the nation's Founding Fathers who drafted the Supreme Law of the Land -- has placed into doubt the paternity of America's foundational law.

The document, found buried in the archives of a Philadelphia historical center, announce the intentions of the delegates to the Constitutional Convention that their status of "Founding Fathers" of the United States be severed in the event that "the plain meaning of the terms used in the Constitution become so perverted by the political manipulations of others, in ways not authorized by the Constitution, that our progeny is no longer recognizable as such."

Lawyers are currently debating whether recent court decisions regarding marriage, national security, and property rights violate the terms of the Founding Fathers' custody agreement, but the legal consensus is that "We may now need to name some Founding Stepfathers."